Negotiating With the Self

I was recently talking with a friend who really believed in our work with women and children who have experienced major physical and sexual abuse.  She was even an infrequent donor to our mission. As we were talking I mentioned a recent post on our Facebook “Like” page about a Bishop making the claim he didn’t know it was against the law for Priests to have sexual relationships with children.  From her body language I could tell she was very uncomfortable with what I was saying. Realizing that the Catholic Church has been embroiled for years in allegations, court trails, settlements and hundreds of millions of dollars in fines in the United States alone as victim reparations, I was caught flat footed with her response.

Link to FB "Like"  page Click Here:

Link to Article on our page that caused the event:Click here

She, in a very emphatic way, externally showing what one would consider polite anger, let me know that these were all trumped up charges against “her” Catholic Church. Realizing I had hit the famed wall of “Cognitive Dissonance”, I tried to retreat. I complemented the Pope’s recent actions to stop this abuse and hold Priests accountable. Bottom line this seemed to add fuel to the fire. Changing the topic of the conversation and talking about the great Spring and early Summer we were having soon found us both feeling better.

If you would like a brief layman’s explanation of Cognitive Dissonance Click here

It seems today that people get so angry and occasionally violent (I’ll leave school shootings for another day) over opposing political, religions, environmental and relationship issues with no room for civil discussion or willingness to clearly see or think through the other person’s point of view disturbing. I believe the increased tension, near violent news reporting, hateful political rhetoric and the hard line movement of a large number of religious organizations moving to forms of hate speech has so polarized our consciousness that violence has and will continue to increase.

As a middle child, read up on “Birth Order Factor” I learned to do three things; Attack in bully mode; Two having failed at number one negotiate my heart out where everyone is happy or; Three go into a poor pitiful, helpless hurt me routine. According to “Birth Order Factor” the eldest dominates in mode one and rarely looses and the youngest operated almost exclusively from mode three.

For a layman’s explanation of “Birth Order Factor: Click here

Where I want to go with this is that we are all encouraged to buckle up and lock down our beliefs. They are reinforced daily by friends, family, the media and even our religious institutions and guess what some of those beliefs may not be true, only partially true or in any way valid. The result is internal suffering, anxiety and in some cases the loss of a great friendship or a relationship.

Before that happens may I suggest you, once you feel these feelings, stop. Listen to everything without the intent on changing the other person or above all winning the argument, and find a quiet place and think it over. I personally like a journal or writing paper to express my thoughts so I can read them back to myself later. Clearly define YOUR belief where you discovered it or had it imprinted in your head. Question are you so sure of it you will it run your life and could cause you suffering. Then, even without having personal background information from the other person, consider that belief. Take some time and peacefully negotiate with yourself until you find that peace again. Be willing to change if necessary.

Lastly, should you decide you are 100% right and the other person is 100% wrong go ahead, but if you run into the same belief made pain “Cognitive Dissonance”, again, it may be time to reexamine your belief for a second or third time..

I have found that after as many as four of these sessions three things seem to occur. One, when my belief is confronted I find no disturbance or pain and do not need to argue my point, Two I do not have any need to push, deliver or even state my belief on others and finally, I have internal peace.